Monday, March 10, 2008

The Greatest Show On Earth

Everyone needs an annual TV event that goes on for at least three hours that they can get gently drunk in front of, giggle at and enjoy as a social experience with their buddies. For some it will be Eurovision, for me and Tinseltroos it is Crufts. The self-styled "largest dog show in the world" is televised annually on the BBC (good old licence fee) and delights us for a couple of reasons. Firstly, and obviously, there are hundreds of beautiful dogs to admire. The bonus treat are the people at the show. I will try and categorise a few of them as best I can:

1) The mad old dear

The mad old dear has been breeding miniature daschunds in her village of Little Crudbury since 1911. She enters sixteen hundred dog shows a year and her current champion "Grosvenor Bitey Paws Champion Fluffy Weasel" whose pet name is Woofy has been in competition at Crufts again this year. She is delighted to have Woofy placed Best of Breed, though Woofy doesn't seem all that concerned himself.

2) The frumpy middle aged lesbian in a waistcoat

Mary trains her dog to dance with her. The shame of the hackneyed routines she devises is nothing compared to the shame of the dog's ability to dance far better than she can. The sight of a woman in her late forties cavorting in a silver sequined outfit along side an immaculately groomed collie to Europe's "The Final Countdown" will sear itself onto the frontal lobes of any who accidentally catch a glimpse.

3) The Sergeant Major

Slightly scary this one. Breeds something very British, probably a spaniel of some sort and shows a fanatical zeal in trying to create the perfect specimen; a desire you cannot help but feel he would apply to the human race if that German fellow hadn't spoiled eugenics for everyone in the 1930s. Best avoided.

4) The Confused Normal Person

A rarity. Occasionally there is a regular punter, who happens to like dogs and perhaps has trained a dog to do an agility course who turns up to do their thing and finds that they just don't fit in with the rest of the personality disorders parading around with their prides and joy tucked under their arms.

So last night Tinseltroos, Sisoftroos and myself got rather tipsy on perry and watched the whole bananas spectacle unfold before our scarcely comprehending eyes. We "awwwwed" at the beautiful dogs, cheered the Flyball events, sniggered at the judges commenting favourably on the "open bitches obedience" section and howled with laughter at the dancing dogs and their owners. A good time was had by all.

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Blogger Churlita said...

That sounds very funny and very "Best in Show". It sounds like you had a nice balance of fun and culture this weekend.

9:23 pm  
Blogger Mr Atrocity said...

Churlita, it was a pretty good weekend, I must admit.

10:31 am  

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