Monday, February 06, 2006

Saying Goodbye

There are times when you have to do something that you'd rather not but you know that for your own long-term good you must. One of the hardest for me is letting former friends or lovers who are no longer such go. I do not make good friends easily and so I tend to be very loyal to them when I do. Sometimes however the passage of time leads to an emotional separation, a feeling that, well to be honest a feeling of "nothing" when you meet up. It becomes a matter of duty not pleasure and I begin to wonder for whose benefit? It certainly isn't mine, I feel very different than I did when we first met and they seem an utterly different person to me; the difficult part is not knowing whether they feel the same way. I assume so, given the awkward pauses in conversation which frequently occur now and which contrast so utterly with the relaxed silences that close friends can enjoy together where you are so comfortable in each other's company that nothing need be said.

But as I say, time passes, and we have no socially acceptable way of saying goodbye unless we or they move away and lose touch. It is hard and I often look for the easy way out and continue these strained relationships because I don't know how to stop and although I see no friendship I don't dislike the other person and I don't want to hurt them if they don't feel as I do.

It is difficult, but I have realised that one of the things which has improved most dramatically in the last six months or so is that I have finally been figuring out what I want to do and how I want to conduct my life. I made a pact with myself to make all decisions based purely on how I feel at the time, rather than over-analysing every detail ad absurdum, as I am prone to doing. The deal is that even if in hindsight it was the wrong decision I remind myself that at the time it was the right one and therefore the consequences aren't so bad and I don't beat myself up over them. At the moment I feel I have to let this person go, I want to let them go, but perhaps I still residually worry that if it ends up being the wrong decision these breakages cannot be mended.

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